Performative Men and the Performance of Pretending They’re Not Performing

There is nothing more performative than a man pretending he’s above being performative. The irony could bench press me.

You know the type! He’ll roll his eyes at guys who post gym selfies or call themselves “alpha male,” but then spend 45 minutes curating an Instagram story. He’s not like other men. He performs not performing. He’ll say he “hates labels” but refers to his friend group as “the boys” like it’s a brand collab.

Even the guys who joke about being “performative” are performing. They’ll be like, “Haha, I’m such a walking red flag,” as if acknowledging it makes it charming instead of just… accurate. It’s like watching someone wink at their own narcissism.

And don’t get me started on the conversational performance. The voice drops. The fake pauses. The eye contact they hold one second too long because someone on TikTok said it’s “magnetic.” It's not!

Then there’s the self-aware performance guys too, the ones who make fun of “guys who podcast” but would fully start one if someone just handed them a mic and a ring light. They’ll say things like, “If I ever do that, kill me,” knowing damn well they already have cover art drafted in their Notes app.

Even fake humility is a performance. 

And the funniest part? They think girls don’t notice. They genuinely believe we think they “just happen” to look interesting and aloof while holding a cigarette wrong in black and white lighting. Meanwhile I can see the reflection of VSCO in your eyeball, babe.

What makes it exhausting is that they want credit for not trying while trying harder than anyone. They’ll drag the “cringe guys,” but they’re doing the same thing! Just with a different filter and a half done philosophy degree.

Even making fun of performative men is performative to them. They’ll be like, “Yeah, people like that are so embarrassing,” while actively setting the camera timer for their flick at the movies.

At least the obvious ones are honest: the gym selfie guys, the crypto bros, the SoundCloud men with septum rings and mother issues. I can respect a man who’s openly embarrassing. It’s the undercover thespians that drain me.

So no, I don’t care if you “don’t post much,” or if you “hate attention,” or if you “just go with the flow.” You’re still performing. You just think your audience is too stupid to notice.

And that is the loudest performance of all.