on n off- reader reply

 dear julia,

i have an on and off relationship and i don’t know if it’s romantic or just embarrassing at this point.

okay. deep breath. on and off rarely means “almost right.” it usually means “never quite works but we keep hoping it will magically fix itself this time.” same people, same patterns.

i know it feels intense. every time you come back to each other it’s like wow this is it, this feels different, we’ve grown, we’ve changed. and maybe you have… but if the dynamic hasn’t, then nothing really did. 

ask yourself one honest question: what actually changes between the “off” and the “on”? not what was promised, not what you hoped, but what consistently changes. if the answer is basically nothing, then you’re not in a relationship, you’re in a loop.

and loops feel good sometimes. they’re familiar. you know how it starts, you know how it ends, you even know the exact moment it’s going to go wrong again. but that doesn’t make it healthy (it just makes it predictable) and we are addicted.

also… be real with yourself about how much of this is connection and how much is access. are they showing up for you, or just reappearing when it’s convenient? because those are very different things, and one of them will drain you way faster than you think.

you don’t have to hate them to stop going back. sometimes it’s not about them being awful, it’s just about the situation not working, no matter how many times you retry it.

you deserve something that doesn’t need constant restarting.

julia