is it bad if i pray on my ex’s downfall

okay so let’s be honest for a second. if you’ve never at least thought “i hope their life goes a little downhill” after a breakup, i genuinely don’t believe you. because when someone hurts you, especially someone who knew you, trusted you, maybe embarrassed you, there’s this part of your brain that wants balance. not even revenge. just balance. like… i suffered, so why do they get to be fine. and then you feel bad for thinking that. because you’re supposed to be mature. supposed to wish them well. supposed to “let it go.” but letting it go isn’t instant, and pretending you’re above it doesn’t make the thoughts disappear. here’s the thing though. praying on your ex’s downfall usually has nothing to do with them. it’s about you still feeling hurt. still wanting your pain to matter. still wanting proof that what they did wasn’t okay. it’s like your brain saying “please let the universe acknowledge this.” i’ve noticed that the more okay i feel, the less i care about what happens to them. and the worse i feel, the more i lowkey hope life humbles them a bit. not in a dramatic way. just enough that they sit there and go “damn.” but staying in that headspace sucks. it keeps them in your head way longer than they deserve. every time you hope they fail, you’re still checking in on them emotionally. still giving them energy. still letting them have access to you when they don’t even know it. it doesn’t even feel good for that long. even if something bad does happen to them, it doesn’t magically heal you. it doesn’t undo the nights you cried or the confidence you lost. it just confirms that things went wrong, which you already knew. i also hate the pressure to be all “i wish them love and light.” no you don’t. not yet. and that’s fine. what actually helped me was switching the focus. instead of praying for their downfall, i started praying for distance. for peace. for the ability to stop replaying everything. to stop stalking. so yeah. having the thought doesn’t make you a bad person. it makes you hurt. just don’t let that thought turn into your whole personality